#!/bin/bash

# Please note: there is now no fucking reason to do stuff like [Tt][Hh][Ii][Ss].
# So don't.
# Just specify it all in lowercase and act like you like it.
cn=$(whoami)

case `echo "$@" | tr A-Z a-z` in
# People ######################################################################
 	marcin|tustin) echo "Act like you like it...... Then TWIST & PULL while eating tofu and wearing only a thong!";;
# 	marcin|tustin) echo "With an Ilaria?";;
 	james|kearney) echo "maybe, if you're lucky";;
	mark|allsopp) echo "Urrrrrgghhh!!";;
	seb|hutchings) echo "that is probably the most disgusting thing i have ever head";;
	sinjax) echo "Fuck ...err....SOMETHING!?";;
	allann|alan)  echo "No, no. Just let him fail it quietly."; touch ~/.I_TOUCHED_ALLANN_J_FORD;;
	gemma) echo "Watch it she is working her way through the department!";;
	tim) echo "Hey, wassa matta you?! you gotta no RESPECT!!!";;
        t) echo "Shutup you fuckstick";; 
	phil|lionsphil) echo "Damn, you ARE desperate.";;
	evillionsphil) echo "No-one fucks with EvilLionsPhil! No-one, you hear!";;
	paul) echo "Cats are pretty...fuck them...";; # All your base are belong to yiff
	goon|hakuna|matt|mrt203) echo "No kidding, he's such a `gooncuss`." ;;
	jmb) case `echo "$RANDOM % 3" | bc` in
		0) echo "Mmmmm... tasty AND gratuitous.";;
		1) echo "You love it.";;
		2) echo "Sick puppy.";;
	     esac ;;
	denis|nicole)
		case `echo "$RANDOM % 4" | bc` in
			0) echo "Don't do that! Something bad will happen.";;
			1) echo "That would be the Wrong Thing.";;
			2) echo -e "\241Message passing good!";;
			3) echo "Nothing good can happen in that situation.";;
		esac ;;
	everyone) 
		for file in `ls ~/..` # actually /a/ug..., but automounter
		do                    # makes /home less than useful -- prb102
			echo "Fuck $file, that `insult`.";
			sleep 0.5; 
		done ;;	
#robigail... reputedly claimed gender dysphoria in answer to the question
#"why did you steal my knickers"... is now post op.
	robigail)
		echo "Well it's not as if THAT'S going to be doing any more fucking is it?"
		;;
# Computing ###################################################################
	perl) fuck `perl -le '$_=0x13470>>4;tr[0->][ EZrPl$xcel];print'`;;
	bash) echo "Good choice: use tcsh";;
	tcsh) echo "Good choice: use bash";;
	standards) echo "No, Go work for MS";;
	newnet) echo "Good choice, get a quality ISP Instead (see http://www.webpref.net)";;
	select|rose|uml) echo "CASE Tools Suck. Fuck them: they're shit!";;
	cslib) echo "Ughh Yegh Bahby, uh uh yeah huhuh...";;
	unix) echo "unzip; strip; touch; finger; mount; fsck; more; yes; umount; sleep" ;;
	wiki) echo -e "autowikimeme: Permission denied.\n\nMessage from sysdsc@`uname -n` on pts/23 at `date +%H:%M` ...\nDON'T YOU BLOODY DARE!\nEOF";;
	databases|mysql) echo "You have an error in your SQL syntax near \"MUNG TABLE wikiNodes where relevance > wibble\"";;
	sql) echo -e "SELECT * FROM Users where Clue > 0;\n\n0 rows returned.";;
	comp2009) echo "Fuck that time wastingly bastard build-an-OS shit";;
	factorial) echo "FUCK*(FUCK-1)*(FUCK-2)*(FUCK-3)*(FUCK-4).....*(FUCK-n) = a lot of fuck" ;;
	scheme) echo "Fuck Scheme"; exec scheme;;
	kate) echo "Even Matt has tried to fuck that KDE Advanced Text editor" ;;
	shiv) echo "I can't! I'm not in IAM!" ;;
	iam) echo "Yeah, shiv's working on it." ;;
	home)
		echo "Please wait while we start your friendly script";
		for file in `find  ~/`
		do
			echo "Deleting the FUCK out of $file";
			sleep 0.5;
		done ;;
        comp2010) echo "Build a fucked up compiler shit fucks you brain worse then COMP2009 and wastes just as much fucking time!!!!";;
	autoconf) echo "./configure --disable-bugs --without-excessive-verbosity --with-completion-date=/today/would/be/nice --prefix=/who/cares/when/you/just/ignore/it/anyway/";;
	automake) echo "make: *** No rule to make target \`fuck'.  Stop.";;
#	gnu) echo "The GNU community do not fuck, because they're too busy writing almost empty man pages and trying to work out how to make Texinfo even less usable.";;
	gnu) echo "The GNU folks, in general, abhor fucking, and create info documents instead.    (Poor, lonely bastards.) If you really want to understand the complex emotional issues of your average Free Software zealot, then you should run info, or use   the info mode in emacs.";
		echo;
		echo "If you can.";;
	bugzilla)
		case `echo "$RANDOM % 2" | bc` in
			0) echo "Obviously, all your problems are due to user error and a bad system configuration. Go fuck yourself. NOTABUG.";;
			1) echo "This fuck is too long for Bugzilla's little mind.";; # The original is s/fuck/list/, and the result of uber-vague search terms
		esac ;;
	seg) echo "true";;
	ecstv) echo "Coming soon to ECS TV: udp://@[ff18::feed:c0ed]!";;
	cvs) echo -e "Ah, \e[1myou\e[0m tried to version control binary files without setting the appropriate   sticky flags, didn't you?";;
#	vlc) FOO=`mktemp`; BAR=`mktemp`; FOO="$FOO.c"; echo "int main(){int *p=0;for(;;*(p++)=0);return 0;}" > $FOO; gcc -o $BAR $FOO; rm $FOO; chmod 700 $BAR; exec $BAR;; # Bug: $BAR never gets deleted
	vlc) kill -11 $$;; # Better version
#	firefox|firefscked|firefucked) echo "";;
#	mozilla|netscape|nutscrape) echo "";;
#	msie|ie|'internet explorer'|'internet exploiter'|'internet exploder') echo "";;
#	outlook|lookout) echo "";;
#	thunderbird|thunderturd) echo "";;
#	opera) echo "";;

# Memes #######################################################################
	cats) cat <<-EOF
				Narrator: "In A.D. 2101
				           War was beginning."
				Captain:  "What Happen ?"
				Mechanic: "Somebody set up us the bomb."
				Operator: "We get signal."
				Captain:  "What !"
				Operator: "Main Screen Turn On"
				Captain:  "It's you !!"
				Cats:     "How are you gentlemen !!
				           All your base are belong to us.
				           You are on the way to destruction."
				Captain:  "What you say !!"
				Cats:     "You have no chance to survive make your time.
				           Ha ha ha ha ...."
				Operator: "Captain !"
				Captain:  "Take off every 'ZIG'!
				           You know what you doing.
				           Move 'ZIG'.
				           For great justice."
			EOF
			;;
	cheese) echo "Yes, fuck cheese... Swiss cheese...";;
#	dirty) echo "No, *you* try the fucking dirty script.";;
	dirty) echo "Fuck  you, you dirty dirty fucker";;
	beans) echo "That was them, wasn't it?";;
	legumes) echo "Uncool beans!";;
	'the cheese') echo "Foo.";;
	'that shit') echo "Thats right! Fuck it! FUCK IT ALL!!";;
	it) echo "fuck eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet!" ;;
	success)echo "                               You Fail it!";
		echo "                       - Your Skill Is Not Enough -";
		echo "                           - See You Next Time -";
		echo "                               - Bye-Bye! -";;
	failure) echo "I sense that failure will be your downfall";;
	badgers) echo "With your snake?";;
	memes) echo "Someone set up us the buggery.";;
	'a pig') echo "System error or non-system bacon. Insert panda into drive A: and press any key  to continue.";;
#	soy) rm -iv ~/.soy;; # (best not to enable this, just in case)
	mc|'mornington crescent') echo "Right, that's a `morningtoncrescent maneuver` to `morningtoncrescent station` and a hefty `morningtoncrescent token` token penalty for *you*, you `insult`ing `insult` of a `insult`.";;

# Non-memetic abstract concepts ###############################################
	war) echo "What is it good for? Absolutely nothing!";;
	limericks) exec fortune-real -o limerick;; # 'fortune' gets you the multiplexor
	responsibility) echo "You know what you doing.";;
	work) echo "So, you can't do it either." ;;
	profanity) exec pine -bail -url 'mailto:editor@dailymail.co.uk?subject=I%20am%20outraged%20at%20the%20decline%20of%20society';;

# Miscellany ##################################################################
	kirill) echo "Fuck anything at all....everything in fact....";;
 	'a duck') echo "fuck a duck, fuck a duck, fuck a duck duck duck. duck duck duck duck duck duck duck.";;
	'wessex scene') echo "With a kebab?!???";;
	you) echo "Fuck you too, you" `insult`;;
	off) echo;
		echo "Broadcast message from root (pts/9) (`date`):";
		echo;
		echo "The system is going down for system halt NOW!";
		echo;;
	uf) echo "Fuck you too, you popcorn-munching `insult`!";;
	maxtor) echo "Fuck  Maxtor";
		echo "Fuck a f**king fast computer";
		echo "Fuck a huge cheap Maxtor Hard disk";
		echo "Fuck the lack of warenty period and the chance of a broken disk";
		echo "Fuck your data and all the warez on your drive";
		echo "Fuck rotting away in the tape safe, after getting locked in it";
		echo "Fuck finding the backup tape as the air runs out";
		echo "Fuck Death, Fuck Maxtor!";;	
	tool)   echo "Fuck L.Ron Hubbard and fuck all his clones";
		echo "Fuck all these gun-toting hip gangsta wannabes";
		echo "Fuck retro-anything, fuck your tatoos";
		echo "Fuck all you junkies and fuck your short memories";
		echo "Fuck smiling glad-eyes with hidden agendas";
		echo "Fuck these disfunctional insecure actresses";
		echo "- Tool : Aenima";;
	me) echo "I'd like to see you try" `insult`;;
	'me in the ass') echo "#include <andy-joke>";;
	bush) echo "So $cn, why do you hate freedom?";; 
	pitr) echo "Next time, am wantink dinner and movie first.";;
	fuck) echo "Fuck fuck fuckity fucking fuck.";;
	'your carrot') echo -e "STAB!";;
	forever) echo "fucking this comp forever"; # When it's done?
		fortune -s;
		exec fuck forever # Added exec to get tail recursion - prb102
		;;	
	now) fuck off; sleep 10000;;
	helpdesk) echo "Fucking is an unsupported service.";;
	jesus) echo "Nobody fucks with the Jesus!!";;
	america) echo "FUCK YEAH!!!";;
#	christmas) echo "i will be waiting, watching, ready to give coal to any one logged on to servalan on xmas day," `insult` ".. with love from farther christmas (aka andy)";;
# Please learn how to both spell and use capital letters before adding to the 'fuck' script. Cheers. - prb102

# Wildcards (must come last so that they can be overridden) ###################
	'your mom'*) echo "Yo, dont be talking shit about my mom, motherfucker!";;
	'your new'*'technique') echo "Perhaps you'd like to see the inside of an ambulance!";;
	*'in the ear') echo "Pass the earex.";;
	*'in the ass') echo "`echo $* | sed 's/ in the ass//'`? What a dick in the ass...";; # Q: How many quote styles can we use in one line? A: Never enough.
	
	*) 	if ls "/proc/self/fd/0" -l | grep -q -v "pts"; then
			FOO=`cat -s`;
			echo "Fuck" $@ $FOO"! Fuck that shit!";
		else
			if [ "$*" == "" ]; then
				echo "Fuck what? Yo' momma?";
			else
				echo "Fuck" $@"! Fuck that shit!";	
			fi
		fi
		;;

esac
